im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
