I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
