im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
