I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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