I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
