omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
