jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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