if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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