I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
