Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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