In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
