He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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