Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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