I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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