I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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