haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize