God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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