My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
