sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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