ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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