i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I am naked and annoyed.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize