A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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