my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
