my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
