Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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