I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
