dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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