You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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