I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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