how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
