I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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