He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
