I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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