Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
