I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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