Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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