She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
