my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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