i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
