Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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