His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
