My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Girls should come with a carfax report
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
