i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
