your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
