I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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