He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
