im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
