It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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