Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize