I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
