weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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