hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
