It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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