I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
