So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
