Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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