im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
