K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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