Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
